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| Funny Stuff Thread! | Rate Topic |
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14th, 2008 12:09 am |
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61st Post |
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OMNT Moderator 
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I come for visit, get treated regal, So I stay, who care I illegal? I cross ocean, poor and broke, Take bus, see employment folk. Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare. Welfare say, "You come no more, We send cash right to your door." Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid, it keep you healthy! By and by, I got plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy. Write to friends in motherland, Tell them come as fast as you can. They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks. They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better! Fourteen families they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin. Finally, white guy moves away, Now I buy his house, and then I say, "Find more aliens for house to rent." And in the yard I put a tent. Send for family (they just trash), But they, too, draw the welfare cash! Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighborhood. We have hobby-- it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding. Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills! American crazy! He pay all year, To keep welfare running here. We think America darn good place! Too darn good for the white man race. If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan.
____________________ Live the legend |
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14th, 2008 12:27 am |
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62nd Post |
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OMNT Moderator
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Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol - dead. Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead. Third worm in sperm - dead. Fourth worm in soil - alive. So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment." Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
____________________ Live the legend |
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14th, 2008 12:30 am |
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63rd Post |
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OMNT Moderator
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Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq? A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction. Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction. A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them. Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq? A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections. Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we? A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election. Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction? A: To use them in a war, silly. Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them? A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves. Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back? A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense. Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did. A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway. Q: And what was that? A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country. Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country? A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people. Q: Kind of like what they do in China? A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer. Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people? A: Right. Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured? A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured. Q: Isn't that what happens in China? A: I told you, China is different. Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq? A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist. Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad? A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad. Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad? A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured. Q: Like in Iraq? A: Exactly. Q: And like in China, too? A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not. Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor? A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960's, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being capitalists like us. Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists? A: Don't be a smart-ass. Q: I didn't think I was being one. A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba. Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement? A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway. Q: What's a military coup? A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States. Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup? A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend now. Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate? A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate. Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader? A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend because he helped us invade Afghanistan. Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan? A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th. Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th? A: On September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans. Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that? A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban. Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands? A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too. Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars in May of 2001? A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs. Q: Fighting drugs? A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies. Q: How did they do such a good job? A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off. Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons? A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread. Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia? A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning for those who didn't comply. Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas, too? A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering. Q: What's the difference? A: It's a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name. A: Now don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends. Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia. A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan. Q: Who trained them? A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden. Q: Was he from Afghanistan? A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia, too, but he was a very bad man. Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once. A: Only when we helped him and the Mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980's. Q: Wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980's? A: Well, yeah. For a while. Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then? A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily. Q: Why did that make him our friend? A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy. Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds? A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way to show him we were his friend. Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend? A: Most of the time. Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy? A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better. Q: Why? A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq? Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right? A: Yes. Q: But how did we know what God wanted? A: Because God speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do. Q: So basically, we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head? A. Ah! You finally understand how the world works. Now go to sleep.
____________________ Live the legend |
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14th, 2008 12:38 am |
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64th Post |
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OMNT Moderator
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
____________________ Live the legend |
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14th, 2008 07:41 am |
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65th Post |
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GravyBoat Moderator 
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  Who you calling ugly, sucka!
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19th, 2008 06:14 am |
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66th Post |
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Neo Head Loon - Original M.A.I.M. 
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GravyBoat wrote:
You NAILED that one!  How about THIS one! LOL!Am I drunk or did we just nominate a black dude? Time to do the one eyed thing just to make sure I'm not seeing things.........  Attachment: Al_Bore.jpg (Downloaded 41 times)
____________________ (Avatar created by OMNT.) “Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.” Winston Churhill |
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19th, 2008 04:05 pm |
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67th Post |
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YOGI Member 
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Neo wrote: GravyBoat wrote: This is the Dude to lecture on gun safety? Attachment: ALGORE GUN SAFETY.jpg (Downloaded 48 times)
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| Posted: Thu Jun 19th, 2008 09:58 pm |
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68th Post |
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GravyBoat Moderator
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Yogi, dat is you humpin' ain't it? Da chamber is clear and dere's no magazine. So you's golden.
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21st, 2008 04:43 am |
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69th Post |
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GravyBoat Moderator
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Did you hear about the candy companies that went into collusion? Yep. They had their fudge pact.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 5th, 2008 06:17 am |
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70th Post |
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Neo Head Loon - Original M.A.I.M.
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GravyBoat wrote: Did you hear about the candy companies that went into collusion? This is JUST like Rowan & Martin's "LAUGH IN"!!!!!!"Aaaaaaaahhhhhh....coolios"
____________________ (Avatar created by OMNT.) “Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.” Winston Churhill |
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| Posted: Tue Jul 8th, 2008 06:53 am |
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71st Post |
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Neo Head Loon - Original M.A.I.M.
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This is a har har! Attachment: Loony_Left.jpg (Downloaded 27 times)
____________________ (Avatar created by OMNT.) “Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.” Winston Churhill |
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| Posted: Tue Jul 8th, 2008 08:41 pm |
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72nd Post |
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YOGI Member
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GravyBoat wrote: Yogi, dat is you humpin' ain't it? Da chamber is clear and dere's no magazine. So you's golden. Nope. If it were me you'd see 6 canteens, 2 bandoliers and a claymore from this view and if the mortar crew were humping with us an 81mm round up top o' me pack...plus me steel pot. Are you certain a round ain't in dat chamber?
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| Posted: Wed Jul 9th, 2008 12:08 am |
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73rd Post |
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GravyBoat Moderator
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YOGI wrote: Are you certain a round ain't in dat chamber? What chamber? That's your gun, Yogi. So I dunno. But if you get a splitting headache, just let this Baptist medic know. And I'll give you the Baptist Ceremony of the Last Rites. Because the kind of headache we're talking about here, Yogi. It's not the kind of headache you can just take an aspirin and your fine. What we're talking about here, Yogi, is what folks back home call a "permanent headache". And the only treatment left for you, after such a condition is diagnosed, is the Baptist ceremony of the Last Rites. It's a wonderful ceremony we all want done in our honor shortly before we die. And unlike the Catholic ceremony of the Last Rites, we Baptists don't just sprinkle you with so-called "Holy Water" and expect you to be Saved. No. In the Baptist ceremony of the Last Rites, that's where we throw you head first into the hellfire. Another word for Baptist Last Rites is Full Immersion Baptism. So convict yourself of being a sinner, accept Jesus Christ into your heart. Jump in the water. Bingo. You're now Saved. Amen. Gravy...channeling Billy Graham.
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| Posted: Thu Jul 10th, 2008 04:49 pm |
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74th Post |
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GravyBoat Moderator
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What I Want In A Woman: When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull. So I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29th, 2008 01:49 pm |
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76th Post |
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GravyBoat Moderator
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Jim, you ain't missed much my friend. :)
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29th, 2008 10:16 pm |
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78th Post |
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YOGI Member
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GravyBoat wrote: YOGI wrote:Are you certain a round ain't in dat chamber? GB...Dunno how I missed this one! BTDT! Been indicted, convicted & sentenced...
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30th, 2008 04:31 am |
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79th Post |
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GravyBoat Moderator
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Crazy Bastard With A Plane - AWESOME! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hcWZcXeik0&feature=related
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| Posted: Fri Aug 1st, 2008 05:13 am |
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80th Post |
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Neo Head Loon - Original M.A.I.M.
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Any of you guys ever see that movie starring a very young Andy Griffith? It was called (I believe) "No Room For Sargeants" and he had this sidekick he meets in "boot" called "Ben". Anyways, there is a hilarious scene in the movie where Andy and "Ben" get assigned latrine duty and when the Sarge comes in with the Capn they step on a pedal and ALL the toilet seats spring up in like a salute when "Atten HUT" is called. This cartoon reminds me of that movie. Attachment: 07-20-08.jpg (Downloaded 5 times)
____________________ (Avatar created by OMNT.) “Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery.” Winston Churhill |
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